When thinking about perpetrators of CSA, many people picture an image of a creepy stranger. parents and schools generally do a pretty good job of teaching their kids about “stranger danger.” However, this is not where most of the danger lies. The vast majority of SA’ers are known to the children they target, so it is incumbent upon us to teach kids not only how to respond when an uncomfortable or dangerous situation rises, but also how to recognize when danger is approaching.
Below you will find the specific rules, which must be taught as a standard to follow in all situations. Telling a child that certain individuals, such as grandma or a close friend are okay, causes confusion, as the child may decide others are okay as well. In addition, the children should be reminded to apply the skills learned in Lesson 1 by knowing to Tell a Trusted Adult about how they felt in situations where they may have made a wrong decision as well as times when they made the correct choice of getting the Ok from their Grown-Up In Charge.
Begin by discussing the concept of a buddy.
Do you know what a buddy is? (Let the kids give examples of buddies.)
It can be a friend of yours that you stay with when you go somewhere together like a swimming buddy or on a school trip when the teacher matches you with another kid.
Why do you think you need a buddy? Why is it safer? (Let the kids answer).
A buddy keeps you safe in two ways:
1. There is safety in numbers, two is better than one. For example, if you fall and hurt yourself what can your buddy do for you?
2. They help you make safer choices. If you forget what to do, if you forget the rules your buddy may be able to remind you and then you will both be safe.
Remember, you are also a buddy, which means now that you are learning all these Safety rules you will need to be the one who keeps your friends safe.
And just because your friends want to do something, if you know that it goes against the rules we are learning, you need to be that buddy that tells the others not to do it, that tells the others to make the safe choice. There are many situations where we not only need a buddy, but the Grown Up In Charge.
1. Answer the door
2. Answer the phone – (this can vary by age and family preference)
3. Take anything from anybody – gift, candy, or treat
4. Go anywhere/change locations
5. Speak to other adults or older kids.
Let’s break this down:
Opening the door: many kids will think this is fine because they can handle themselves. There are many unfortunate stories that occur with kids letting individuals into their homes. Discuss the concept of respecting your grown-up in charge; maybe your mother is not ready to receive a guest yet, maybe she’s feeding the baby, her hair is uncovered, etc. Use different examples to help this concept stick.
Use teaching cards.
Show UPS card- Tell a story of a girl who “knows” the UPS man because he’s a neighborhood guy who always comes to deliver to her house. Her mom talks to him and offers him a drink and is friendly so he must be ok.
Use STOP, THINK, ACT.
STOP: take a deep breath
THINK: How am I feeling? I’m feeling fine, the UPS guy is familiar and nice. What’s the safety rule? Get the ok from the grown-up in charge.
ACT: go to a safe place, go to a safe adult: Go ask the grown-up in charge if you can open the door.
You will have kids saying I can do it, it’s no big deal. For kids who are staying home alone go through a scenario where you open the door and take the package and then the UPS guy says, “Hey can I use your bathroom?” now what? Explain that it would be so difficult even for a grown-up to say, “Sorry, no” it would be impossible for them to do that. Talk about the pressure and then go through the feelings of having a stranger in your home while alone. Better safe than sorry.
Why do you think we need this rule? Why do you think it is so important?
(Show the apple picture.)
You see these 2 apples appear the same.
We would never know which apple was rotten by looking at the outside. Most people are good to the “core” but every once in a while you’ll find someone who does not have the best intentions. We need to have safety rules that apply to everyone so we don’t make a mistake based on outer appearances.
So although you think you know someone, and you can let him or her in, or go with him or her, etc. you are safest when you make sure it’s okay with your grown-up in charge.
Use PLANN teaching card
Let’s discuss what a PLAN is- (get answers from kids)
As you get older, the sign of maturity is to let people know where you are and what you are doing. Think about this in terms you can really appreciate and understand. Let’s say your teacher is planning an ice cream party for your entire class and every day you are marking off your calendar for when it will happen. The day finally arrives and the entire class is super excited. You all wait anxiously for your teacher to walk in with all the supplies for the party, when suddenly in walks a substitute. She has no clue what ice cream party you are talking about.
What would you feel? You had a plan and now it changed, but no one told you.
Okay, how about if instead of the substitute walking in and being clueless about the party, your school principal comes in and tells the class that your teacher called and said she had to miss class today, however, the ice cream party isn’t canceled, just postponed until next Monday. You may still feel disappointed but you would feel better knowing the new plan. Letting the grown-ups in charge of us know what we are doing and planning at all times is just another way to show you’re becoming more mature as well as being courteous and having derech eretz. (use your own life as an example of how you inform your loved ones about your whereabouts, emphasize that you are a grown-up and you still check in).
Use the acronym PLANN to remember the rule.
Permission: from the Grown Up In Charge
Location: where you will be
Activity: what you will be doing.
Names and Numbers: of the place or person you will be at or with.
(Split the kids into groups, give them a scenario to explore, and have them use the STOP, THINK, ACT steps. Then have them present it to the class).
I am going to give each group a scenario and you will use your STOP, THINK, ACT steps to tell me if it’s safe or not safe. I will need you to state which Safety rule you used in each scenario. (write the rules on the board so they can choose which one it is )
1. Aliza is a 2nd grader whose favorite part of going to school is riding the school bus. She loves sitting in her favorite seat in the back and watching all the cars drive by. Aliza feels like such a big girl when she is riding the bus. Aliza also really likes her bus driver. His name is Ralph and he’s super nice. He always smiles and says a loud “Good Morning” whenever she gets on Since Aliza likes to sit in the back she’s usually the last one to get off. Today as she was getting off the bus, Ralph said, “Hey wait a minute I got something for you, you always listen so nicely to my instructions and never make any trouble. Good girls like you deserve a special treat” He pulled out a lollipop from his pocket and handed it to her. “Let’s keep this our secret since I don’t want anyone else to feel bad,” Ralph said.
What do you think? Is this safe or unsafe? What’s the Safety Rule she needs to follow?
2. Kayla takes the school bus home every day. On this particular day, she gets on with all the rest of the kids, and about 2 blocks from the school the bus breaks down. The smaller kids start to cry and the older kids lead everyone off the bus and back to the school building. A teacher comes out and starts lining everyone up to figure out how to get everyone home. A lot of girls go into the office to call home and when Kayla tries to go in, the teacher in charge says she can’t because there are too many people inside right now. An older girl that she recognizes from her bus says “Kayla, my mom can drive you home.” Her mom pulls up and beeps the horn and this girl says, “Ok, let’s go.” The mom says, “Yeah I can drive you, no problem, jump in.” Kayla knows this is the only way she will get home so she gets in feeling relieved.
3. Matan is a 6 year old boy. He was playing with his younger brother Rafi outside in the front yard with the new ball and mitt their parents got them for an afikomen present. They were having so much fun passing the ball to each other and laughing as the ball flew over their heads. Suddenly, Rafi threw the ball way too high and it went over the fence! “Oh no, Rafi, the ball is rolling into the street!” Matan starts feeling nervous that a car will drive over the ball and it will pop. He begins to run towards the house to call his mother when suddenly he hears a car stop. The driver rolls down his window and says, “Hey boys, was that your ball that just rolled into the street in front of my car?” Matan sees Rafi shaking his head yes. “That must make you feel so sad. Would you like me to cross you over to get your ball?” Rafi begins to go towards the gate towards the man. The man looks really nice, his face shows that he cares and really wants to help. As Rafi is walking towards the street, the man says, “I have a little boy your age. I know how badly he would feel if this would happen to him!”
4. You are playing at the park with your friends and your Grown up In Charge. Someone kicks the ball too far. You see a nice-looking man who says he lost his cute little dog and asks if you will help him search for it. He looks very upset and you want to help out.
5. Your mother let your uncle take you out to buy sneakers for school. You were supposed to go home right after the purchase, but instead, your uncle takes you to the pizza store. He starts joking around and makes some jokes that make you feel uncomfortable. Then he buys you pizza, even though your mom told him to take you straight home. You love pizza so you eat it. What do you do now?
See other teaching cards for more scenarios. Discuss all the outcomes using the Stop, Think, Act steps. Remember, every answer should end with the child having to ask if it’s ok with their grown-up in charge. There are many times when children will feel completely comfortable and feel ok with what they are doing. This is an especially important time to make sure they understand that they must ask first. If a child says, “I just have to ok it with my grown-up in charge,” they are less desirable to a potential predator. Children that speak to their parents are less attractive to potential predators.
Remember, if this happens to you and you feel nervous, worried, or anxious, you can always tell your feelings to a Trusted Adult so they can help you feel comfortable and come up with a way to feel safe in the future. There is no time limit to when you can share your feelings with the Trusted Adults in your life. They are always there to help make you feel safe.
show the apple cards again
This concept is very important to think about when it comes to tricky people. A tricky person will try to make you break your safety rules. They will try to get you to trust them, but it won’t be real. Has anyone ever met someone that they thought was fake? (have discussion) A person, even someone you care about or love, may also be fake and try to gain your trust, but it will be fake. How will you know the difference? (have a discussion). It’s really difficult to do.
(show the teaching card for tricky people) A tricky person will not respect your safety rules, they’ll test your boundaries with jokes, tickling, or games, and they may try to make you feel guilty or embarrassed to tell anyone what they said or did. Always make sure you are okay with things with your grown-up in charge and talk to trusted adults when you feel uncomfortable.
Discuss each image on the card. Why does it feel like a trust issue and why the person is not really trustworthy?
